Wednesday, May 18, 2005
| The Low Down I feel really depressed today. No matter what I do, I can’t seem to shake it. I went to my therapy appointment and for the first ten minutes, my therapist and I just bullshitted. I made a few casual jokes and she just listened and chuckled. Then without warning, I broke down. Big time break down. Major sobs and uncontrollable shaking. It was the first time that I’ve cried in front of my therapist. We made some major headway today and for that I’m grateful. However, as the process continues, my therapist and I have decided to take it to the next level. I need a lot more help than what I’m currently getting. Sophie is a wonderful therapist, but it’s clear to both of us that we’re going to have to explore some other options as far as treatment. Things are a bit more serious than I made them out to be and we’re equally concerned. I actually have some homework to do this week for my next session. It’s not easy stuff to do, but I can clearly see the positive effects of the long term commitment. I’m just scared to confront some of my mainstream demons. In a way I’m almost too afraid to get better. Most likely because with improvement comes change and I’ve always shyed away from that. My one goal for the week is to allow myself to feel and to worry only about the expectations I have of myself. There is no need to worry about my friends or family at a time like this. As Sophie said “How can you expect to be everyone else’s answer, when you don’t have the answers yourself?” She’s a brilliant woman and I know that she has the capability to lead me out of the darkness. When that light will finally show itself is still up for debate. But until then, I must focus on my life and not on the self-induced pressure that I feel from my friends and family. For the first time in a long time, Joe CuttheShit will truly be worried only about himself. |
